From Soul Mate to Sole Mate...and Vice Versa

I hear a lot of people use the term soul mate to describe their ideal partner—that special person “out there somewhere” who can satisfy their needs and desires like no one else and with whom they can live “happily ever after.” The soul mate idea is romantic and meaningful, but it can also be misleading.

When I met Susan, I was an idealistic young man—a genuine romantic. It was the most serendipitous event of my life and I was instantly head-over-heels crazy in love. I remember feeling complete bliss just being with Susan in those first weeks and months. Our relationship developed so naturally that it was like our being together was “written in the stars” and that we were “meant for each other” from the start. The experience had deep spiritual meaning to me; I felt the hand of God at work in my life like never before. Susan and I met when she was 19 years old and I was 20. We’ve been together for 37 years now and there is no doubt in my mind that we’ll be happily together “’till death do us part.” I understand the romantic and meaningful side of the soul mate experience because I’ve experienced it in my own life. Nevertheless, I’ve learned to be skeptical when people talk as though finding one’s soul mate guarantees relationship happiness and longevity.

One reason I’m skeptical is because in my 30 years of counseling couples I’ve seen many couples give up on genuine soul mate relationships. Divorce is particularly painful for couples that feel so deeply connected. But why would any true soul mate couple divorce? For any of the reasons couples divorce: Because they lack the relationship skills to manage conflict; because of drug or alcohol abuse; because they’re overwhelmed by traumas such as an extramarital affair or the death of a child; or because chronically stressful situations such as career or financial setbacks have worn down their optimism and emotional reserves. I’ve learned that just being soul mates isn’t enough.

Another reason I’m skeptical about soul mate talk is because so many people mistake infatuation for the soul mate experience. I’ve had quite a few married people tell me they’ve discovered their spouse is not their true soul mate. It usually turns out that the person making that claim is involved in an extramarital affair or strongly attracted to someone with whom they’d like to have an affair. Though some may have been dissatisfied with their marriage before the extramarital attraction developed, most didn’t question their spouse’s soul mate status until after the affair or attraction began. Those who leave their spouse to be with their affair partner usually discover that the new relationship fails, often quickly. And some of those who end their affair and turn their attention back to their spouse end up falling passionately in love with their spouse all over again. Infatuation is compelling, but it should never be the only basis for deciding who is or isn’t one’s soul mate.

Infatuation is only the first stage of romantic love and is fraught with positive and negative possibilities. The playwright George Bernard Shaw mocked the distorted viewpoint of infatuated lovers when he wrote, “Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else.” There is something both wonderful and terrifying about an infatuated lover’s blissful insanity. And there is a growing science of love that is beginning to reveal why infatuation is so compelling. People madly in love have brains that are awash in a cocktail of natural chemicals that drastically alter their perceptions and motivations. Infatuated couples actually have “chemistry” together. Plus, there is evidence people are naturally attracted to potential partners whose DNA structure is complimentary to their own in such a way that would increase their odds of producing healthy children together. The scientific view of love isn’t very romantic and there is much more to learn, but what is known so far demonstrates the folly of concluding someone is your soul mate just because you’ve fallen in love with them.

My relationship with Susan began with infatuation so wonderful that we reminisce about it fondly and frequently. We’ve learned that many of the things we did automatically as an infatuated young couple are the very things that sustain our relationship today such as making each other a priority, spending quality time together, being affectionate, making love, talking positively and frequently about the future, laughing and playing together, and working as a team. These activities sustain us as soul mates and as sole mates. But what about couples whose relationships didn’t begin with infatuation?

I’ve learned that infatuation isn’t a necessary first step toward an authentic soul mate experience. Many happy and lasting soul mate marriages begin as friendships. The comedienne/actress Anne Meara, wife of comedian/actor Jerry Stiller for 50+ years and mother of popular actor Ben Stiller, perfectly summarized how her attraction to her husband grew over time. When an interviewer asked, “Was it love at first sight?” she responded, “It wasn’t then, but it is now.” Being sole mates intensifies the soul mate experience. And whether a relationship begins with infatuation or friendship, the only way to live “happily ever after” is to be both soul mates and sole mates.

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