I opened my current practice in Solana Beach in January of 1985, following nine years in Washington State and Colorado.

I use both terms interchangeably. To some people, the word “counseling” suggests a process that involves a “counselor” giving expert advice to an individual, couple or family. To some people, the word “therapy” suggests a healing relationship with a “therapist” who uses a variety of methods to restore an individual, couple or family to health. Practically speaking, both terms refer to a process in which a qualified person enables others to change and grow. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I use my knowledge and skills to help relationships—and each individual involved—change and grow. Whether you think of me as a counselor, therapist, coach, doctor, healer, pastor, teacher, confidant, minister, friend, or just "Steve”, I am here to help you improve your relationships and your life.

I specialize in marriage counseling and education. Most of my clinical hours are spent counseling married couples.

As a specialist, I keep up to date on the latest developments in the field and have trained with many notable marriage experts including Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson. My understanding and effectiveness is increased significantly by 30 years experience counseling nearly two thousand couples. I am listed in a registry of advanced marital therapy practitioners committed to supporting marriages in times of stress. Here is a link to an article that may interest you: “How to Choose a Marriage Counselor.”

I call my practice The Center for Marriage because “marriage” is the word most people associate with the ideal of an intimate, mutually satisfying and loving, lifelong partnership. That is the ideal to which most couples aspire. My use of the word “marriage” is not meant to make any couple feel excluded. I welcome all couples.

Although most of my clinical hours are spent with couples, I also see families and individuals. Most family therapy I provide addresses parenting issues. I have been writing a magazine column about parenting since 1985. The individual therapy I provide most often addresses relationship, career, ethical or spiritual issues. I regularly help people deal with symptoms such as depression and anxiety as they arise in connection to relationship stressors. In cases where a referral for medication is appropriate, I can offer you the option to consult D. L Secrist, MD, a Board Certified Psychiatrist with whom I have shared an office suite since 1985.

Marriage and Family Therapists function as relationship teachers, coaches and role models. People count on their therapist to be relationship competent—to possess the values, knowledge and skills that nurture good relationships. Relationship competence can increase as a result of professional training, but it is also a product of a therapist's personal relationship experiences. That's why I believe you are entitled to know about my relationships before you entrust me with the care of yours.

My path to relationship competence has been through positive family experiences growing up, in my own marriage, and in the family unit my wife and I created together. I am fortunate to know firsthand what healthy marriage and family relationships look like and feel like. That makes it easier for me to see both strengths and weaknesses in the relationships of others and to know when and how to motivate change. Here is some information about my family:

I met my wife in 1970 when we were both undergraduate students. Susan and I dated six months, became engaged, then married eighteen months later. We've gone through each stage of personal, career and family development as a couple, facing each challenge as a team. Our relationship feels secure, loving, intimate and fun. We look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

Susan and I have two children, now both adults. Raising them provided us some of the happiest, most difficult and most fulfilling times in our lives. Parenting taught Susan and me a lot about ourselves and about life. We are proud of our accomplishments as parents. Our children grew up to be compassionate, responsible adults who love life, have good relationships, and contribute to society. Both earned doctorates and enjoy fulfilling careers. Our daughter is married; she and her husband have a daughter. Susan and I are delighted they live nearby so we have the opportunity to help raise our granddaughter. Our son is engaged and looks forward to marriage and parenthood.

Our relationship success was built upon a legacy of love from the families in which we grew up. My parents were happily married 57 years at the time my mother passed away. I am one of their five children and I enjoy good relationships with all my siblings. Susan's parents are still alive and happily married more than 67 years. They live nearby and we see them often.

My path is not the only path to relationship competence. There are many therapists who developed relationship competence while overcoming negative relationship experiences in their own lives. I respect that learning path as well.

You can read some of my personal reflections on marriage and parenting in the Articles section of this website, or you can read my latest articles online by visiting San Diego Family Magazine.

I'm committed to treating women and men with equity and understanding. I grew up with parents who demonstrated mutuality and fairness in their relationship. My understanding of women is deepened by my experiences growing up with four sisters, living nearly four decades married to a woman, and raising a daughter to adulthood. However, mine are not the only gender experiences that affect counseling.

People bring their own gender expectations to counseling. Some men prefer a male therapist because they don't expect to be treated fairly by a female therapist just as some women prefer a female therapist because they don't expect to be treated fairly by a male therapist. My commitment to gender equity and understanding in therapy helps couples uncover and challenge any gender assumptions that hinder their relationship.

Marriage and couples counseling isn't effective if it doesn't feel fair. I want both partners to attend sessions so each can hear what the other says and so that each can make sure their own perspective is heard. Couples sometimes tell me they tried couples counseling before, but it failed. Often this was the result of a wife or husband consulting a therapist of their own gender individually, then later attempting to "bring in" their spouse for marriage or couples counseling with the same therapist. The "brought in" partner seldom feels like they get a fair hearing. To avoid this problem, I see couples together from the start. I make the relationship the focus of counseling, not the individual. As a couple relationship becomes more fulfilling, each individual benefits.

My Policy

I respect the different spiritual paths people take in life and the different communities that sustain them along the way. I do not consider my counseling office an appropriate place to promote my particular religion or faith community over any other spiritual path; nor do I introduce the language of my particular faith into the counseling process. However, if you use religious language and concepts in your everyday conversation, I will do my best to talk with you in familiar language. I have a broad-based graduate education in religion and spirituality that enables me to communicate meaningfully with most people even when our backgrounds are different.

My Background

I was raised in a Christian faith tradition and educated in theology, ethics and biblical studies at the graduate level. My religious faith and experience is the window through which I view my humanity and my connection to the whole human family; my faith shapes my values, helps me remain hopeful in difficult times, and expands my capacity for compassion and purposeful living.

My ordination identifies me as a recognized spiritual leader in a particular Christian faith community. In my tradition, ordination is conferred after completion of 3 years of graduate study at an accredited theological seminary and recognition by the faith community of an authentic calling and fitness of character. My community is a historic American denomination called the United Church of Christ. The UCC is my spiritual home where I receive nurture and encouragement and where I often teach or lead worship in various churches. However, my understanding of and appreciation for faith and spirituality extends beyond my own particular community.

I am honored that people of many different religions and faith traditions, as well as people with no religious affiliation at all, feel comfortable inviting me into their lives.

Marriage or couples counseling sessions are 90 minutes, the amount of time I have found to be most productive. Typically, I begin by meeting with couples every two weeks. As progress is made, sessions are often scheduled further apart.

It is common for couples to come for a total of 1 to 5 sessions, though 6 to 10 sessions is also quite common; a smaller number come for 10 or more sessions. Couples come with different goals in mind, so the total number of times we meet does not necessarily reflect the severity of their presenting problems or the amount of time required for lasting improvement. Some couples end counseling as soon as they begin to get some relief after a crisis; other couples participate longer in order to rebuild a sense of trust and security in their relationship; still others want to continue counseling until they feel confident they have developed the attitudes and skills needed to avoid future problems and to achieve longterm intimacy and satisfaction in their relationship.

Family Therapy sessions are also 90 minutes long. Often family sessions involve one or two meetings to address a very specific issue. Some families participate in therapy longer, but most are challenged by the logistics of getting everyone together for a session. Consequently, follow up sessions often involve only parents or some other subset of the family.

Individual therapy sessions are 50 minutes long (following an initial session of 90 minutes). The number of sessions varies widely. Some individuals come in for a one time consultation; others meet with me regularly for several weeks or months; there are a few individuals I have seen periodically for more than 20 years.

Fees

My fee for a 90 minute session with an individual, couple or family is $225.

My fee for a 50 minute session with an individual is $125.

Fees for premarital counseling and the Couple Checkup program are included with the descriptions of those programs under the Services heading above.

I do not offer a sliding fee scale, but it has always been my policy never to turn anyone away based solely on their ability to pay my usual fee. My only requirement is a candid and honest conversation about finances so I can make certain that if I offer a fee reduction, it is going to those who need it most. I provide the same care to everyone regardless of the amount they pay.

Insurance

I am considered an "out of network" provider for insurance purposes.*

I do not bill insurance companies; however, after being paid for my services, I can provide a statement you can submit to your insurer, if appropriate. Your plan may reimburse you for a portion of the fees you have paid. Please contact your insurer to see if you qualify for any reimbursement. Keep in mind that marriage counseling and family therapy are seldom named as covered benefits; however, both are usually recognized by insurers as appropriate treatments to help individuals with symptoms (e.g. depression) that can be alleviated by improved marriage or family relationships.

*The reasons I do not contract with insurers include: 1) insurers generally operate on a medical model that requires an individual to be diagnosed with a "mental disorder" and therapy to be directed toward treatment of that disorder. The medical model is not a natural fit for relationship focused therapy which emphasizes shared responsibility for making changes that benefit the couple or family unit; 2) insurers typically recognize only 45-50 minute sessions which I believe is too little time when two or more persons are involved in a session; 3) many insurers require therapists to share detailed treatment information that compromises confidentiality and may jeopardize a person's future insurability.

I am the only person you need to talk with from your first to your last contact with my office. By keeping communications simple and direct, I can better protect your right to confidentiality and avoid miscommunications.

Appointments are available as follows:

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
The first appointment of the day starts at 9 AM and the last appointment starts at 6 PM.

Friday
The first appointment of the day starts at 9 AM and the last appointment starts at 11 AM.

Additional appointment times may be arranged by request. Just call me at 858-755-3519 and I will be happy to schedule an appointment for you.